Earlier this week, a Florida man bought a plane ticket from Fort Lauderdale to Washington D.C., donned a red thong in lieu of a face mask, then intentionally got himself kicked off the flight for wearing the underwear on his head. Afterwards he compared himself to Rosa Parks during an interview on local news.
In other news, approximately 4,000 Floridians contracted COVID-19 yesterday—a fourth of whom likely required hospitalization. Overall, the state has seen a 20% uptick in cases over the past two weeks as the new Omicron variant spreads amidst holiday travel season and rapidly refilling hospitals
“Your rights end where mine begin,” Adam Jenne (aka the Rosa Parks of Thongs) said in an interview with WSVN Miami News, presumably recalling something he once read on one of Dan Bongino’s pre-shrunk t-shirts. “You don’t get to tell me how I conduct myself,” he added.
Contrary to Jenne’s narrow view of civic philosophy, society does get to enforce certain rights, including the right to move about this nation free from fear of accidentally gifting a Christmas death sentence to someone’s parent suffering from late-stage COPD. We especially get to enforce that right when the people shrieking at us otherwise do so through sheer lingerie hanging limply across their Michelob Ultra-damp, three-day-old stubble.
Reports indicate that multiple other passengers left the flight as a show of solidarity, and while the clearly prearranged cell phone video shows at least one person stomping their way off the plane, it’s hard not to think the whole thing was a piss-poor media stunt.
In any case, we wish Adam Jenne—the MLK, Jr. of ass chaps—a wonderful holiday stuck at home after reportedly being banned from United Airlines flights until further notice.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com